Dear You,
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m dateless this Valentine’s, what about you?
To be honest, I think the realisation that such a day even existed only hit me when I entered my teenage years. This came in the form of a happy Forever Alone Day chain message, which I was just happy I received (so I could busy myself with forwarding it to others and making it look like I had friends). On hindsight, this realisation also gave me the added benefit of understanding what love was – and what it wasn’t.
What isn’t Love?
Like many, I used to think Valentine’s Day was the ultimate show of love. After all, with flower bouquets larger than my face and clusters of heart-shaped balloons that will make the house in “Up” look bad, this did seem like love on overdrive. Nothing says “I love you” more than through an expensive gift form your significant other right?
Except I’ve come to know it doesn’t.
Going through phases of not knowing why 14th February was celebrated, to making fun of it being celebrated, to finally wondering if I would always be alone when it was celebrated, gave me more than my fair share of time and experience to reflect on its significance and to come to the above conclusion. Simply put, it made me recognise how love didn’t exist because someone decided to give me a box of chocolates or confess their feelings for me. In the same way that not getting presents on my birthday doesn’t change the day I was born, not having someone to spend this coming Saturday with doesn’t change the value of love. Love is not shown like this.
While I am not discrediting how gifting can be an expression of love, it is not an end goal in itself. Instead, the idea behind all this is that we first love and give something in response to that love. Moreover, in spite of what people may want you to think, that something you choose to give and that someone you choose to show your love for is not limited to the confines of stereotypical teddy bears and romantic relationships. Love is so much more than that.
What is Love?
As a fun fact, the English language only has one standard use of the word ‘love’. No duh right? Yet in the Greek language, there are seven variations of the word. Not in the sense of synonyms either, but seven distinct words that all refer to love – in its manifold forms.
Though I won’t bore you with the details, I do wish to highlight how this not only points to the different ways love can take on, but how these seven ways can be both good and bad.
Looking at the good, I want to draw your attention to agape love, which defined loosely means ‘the highest form of love, charity’. Yet, this alone does not thoroughly cover the meaning behind the word. Delving deeper, agape love actually represents a pure, intentional and sacrificial love that is not simply limited to giving things away. To have agape love is to willingly give up anything for the greatest good of others, without expecting something in return. It is no coincidence, then, in all its selflessness, that this is the highest form of love. Nor should it come as a surprise that this form of love was used in the Bible to describe ‘the love of God for man and of man for God’.
To illustrate this, perhaps the most well-known use of it in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 would be helpful and it reads:
‘4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.’
In replacing the word ‘love’ with ‘agape love’ and understanding the detailed meaning behind it, we start to see what love truly is. Additionally, we also start to grasp how we, as Christians, are called to love.
Ultimately, though, love should also point us to Christ; for Christ is love.
Beyond illustrating this by His death on the cross for our sins, we can similarly replace the word ‘love’ and the pronouns in the verses above with ‘God’ and see how He fits in perfectly with the Scripture. We have the capacity for love simply because He loved us first and is the ultimate representation of love.
Thus, love is so much more than a feeling or a fleeting emotion. Love is also a choice. A choice we are called to make for God, as a response to His choice to love us. A choice that we are tasked to readily make for the betterment of others, as God’s people. And most importantly, a choice we continuously make, even if we keep falling short of it.
“To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”
This is not to say that we can’t make the wrong choices about how we choose to love. Returning to look at another one of the seven ways the Greeks describe love, there is a form of love that represents self-centered love. Known as philautia, this way of love has been equated to selfishness and vanity. As the polar opposite of agape love, most would advise steering clear from it. However, I believe that small, appropriate doses of it can be beneficial in assisting with our mission of showing agape love.
The heart of this lies the view that we also need to love ourselves in order to love others. Alternatively, an apt phrasing of this would be, ‘we accept the love we think we deserve’.
If we do not first value ourselves, we are doomed to accepting and reciprocating love far below the level of agape for the “kind-heartedness” they first showed us or getting into toxic relationships and friendships for validation. This should never be the way love takes on.
Hence, in learning to love others, we need to learn how to love and accept ourselves too – and realise that we should never settle. Your worth is, like love, not measured in this way.
How it is measured is, in fact, immeasurable. Much like how God’s love for us is, and how He values us as our Maker. So, until someone makes you feel a semblance of that kind of love and compels you to do the same without being taken advantage of, don’t bother engaging with them.
As you read this now with whatever feelings you may have towards Valentine’s Day, know that I’ve been through all of them and that really, it’s okay. Even if you’re grossed out by this day as I was or feeling alone on this day as I also was, know that the day itself really doesn’t matter much (other than the business that suddenly comes pouring into florists and card shops). What does matter is the idea behind it, which is far more eternal than a rose anyone could buy you.
Love (and lots of it), Leia